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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27293146">solivagant</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/pallidrose/pseuds/pallidrose'>pallidrose</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Keeper of the Lost Cities Series - Shannon Messenger</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, But Not The One You're Thinking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Late Night Conversations, Love Triangles, M/M, One Shot, Post-Legacy, To Be Edited</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 18:15:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,645</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27293146</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/pallidrose/pseuds/pallidrose</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Both loved him. Both lost him. Both were just a little too late.<br/>Now, in the wake of his death, all they have is each other.</p><p>Or: Keefe is gone forever, and Tam is spiraling.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Keefe Sencen/Tam Song, Sophie Foster &amp; Tam Song, Sophie Foster/Keefe Sencen, Sophie Foster/Tam Song/Keefe Sencen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>solivagant</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i posted this as a oneshot, then added a preceding scene beforehand, then changed my mind again and just posted the original oneshot with some edits so who even knows what this is anymore</p><p>playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7evtXYaYXr0YSeeKdXu8oZ?si=ZEUgR5IgQ467HgBjFXrnUg</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The aftermath of Loamnore was nearly worse than the battle itself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tam was home, it was true, and Linh unhurt, thank God. He'd even managed to rescue Glimmer, though she would object to that choice of words. Linh didn’t trust her yet- understandable, considering her history. Tam got the feeling the others will be just as slow to accept her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But because of him- because he was too </span>
  <em>
    <span>stupid</span>
  </em>
  <span> to think to tie her feet- Gisela escaped. Gone where no one knew how to follow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Keefe.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Keefe.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>It's Tam's fault, what happened to him. </span>
  <em>
    <span>His fault</span>
  </em>
  <span>, not Sophie or Fitz or anyone else who's tried to take the blame since he got home.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If he had just been smarter, stronger, </span>
  <em>
    <span>better</span>
  </em>
  <span>…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keefe might be awake. Healthy. Okay. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Alive.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>But he wasn’t. He was dead. Gisela’s stellarlune experiment had proven to be a failure- a failure that cost Keefe his life, after two weeks of lying on a cot in the healing center, eyes closed, breaths ragged and heartbeat slow. Sophie spent it all at his side. In fact, to Tam’s knowledge, until it finally happened, she hadn't left the room for more than ten minutes since the end of what Tam has come to think of as his exile. When his own hubris proved to be his downfall. When his loyalty to Linh became the blade at his throat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His exile wasn't truly over, if he was perfectly honest- something he rarely was anymore, but that was besides the point. It only warped, changed form, became self-inflicted and even more vicious.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And right now, he was spending it at Keefe’s Wanderling.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The tree was tall, for a sapling, and slim, its bark pale and papery. Graceful lines comprised each golden leaf, forming one gentle point across from the stem. Ice blue veins provided a sharp and unusual contrast that stood out even now, in the dead of night.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keefe would have loved it, Tam thought dryly, picking up a fallen leaf and tracing the veins with his fingertip. Even his grave was annoyingly flashy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He set the leaf down carefully. Not that it mattered, he knew. It was a leaf, for goodness sake. Not </span>
  <em>
    <span>him</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he placed it gently beside Keefe’s plaque anyway. As if caring for whatever was left of him could make up for what happened.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As if Tam hadn’t cocooned him in shadowflux.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As if Gisela’s little experiment hadn’t gone horribly wrong.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As if the memory of Sophie, sobbing, shaking Keefe’s body, screaming his name, didn’t haunt him every night.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As if Tam hadn’t killed the love of his life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He balled his fist, his nails digging into his palm. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I don’t deserve to be here. Not after what I did to him. Not after what I did to Sophie.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He had always known Keefe was in love with her. It was plain to everyone, really- everyone but Sophie herself. And, truth be told, it was plain she loved him back. Though she clearly didn’t know it yet- something that irked Tam to no end. He would have done anything- </span>
  <em>
    <span>anything</span>
  </em>
  <span>- for Keefe, and there Sophie was, the object of his affections, with no idea what importance she held for him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was something he both resented and- strangely- envied.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And he’d taken it all away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He squeezed his eyes shut, took a breath. Linh would want him to tell himself otherwise. She'd want him to stay positive, move forward, forgive what couldn't be helped.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But it could have been. He knew it could have been.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Because a universe in which Keefe Sencen, Tam's first and only love, was simply </span>
  <em>
    <span>destined</span>
  </em>
  <span> for suffering- that wasn't a universe Tam wanted to live in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keefe was the sun. He always had been. He shone and shone, and sometimes, he set, and did so with such spectacle that the whole world paid attention. But he always, </span>
  <em>
    <span>always</span>
  </em>
  <span> rose again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tam... Tam was the moon. He could never hope to shine as brightly as the sun. And yet he depended on it for his own light. Only in the darkness did he have purpose.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keefe was the sun, and Tam was the moon, and this time, he’d managed to cause an eclipse.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sophie’s screams echoed in his head again, and his fingers curled tighter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d thought- </span>
  <em>
    <span>hoped</span>
  </em>
  <span>- he might find closure here.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clearly, he was wrong.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He turned away, muttering under his breath, only to find a pale face staring at him. He flinched. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Dammit</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Sophie. Some warning next time?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sophie. Of </span>
  <em>
    <span>course</span>
  </em>
  <span> it was Sophie.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t that Tam didn’t like her. Quite the opposite, in fact. In another universe, he would have liked to be a better, closer friend to her. But she was a constant reminder of everything he wasn’t- necessary. Important. Needed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keefe was the sun, and Tam was the moon, and Sophie- Sophie was the Earth, vital to the Black Swan, to the Lost Cities, to their friends- and to Keefe.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know it’s, like, midnight, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re here too,” she pointed out. “And… well, I couldn’t sleep.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know the feeling.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sophie hesitated. “Tam, you- you know you can’t let yourself feel guilty, right? You’re not- you’re okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shrugged, tugging on his bangs. “I guess.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not an answer.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then I don’t know what to tell you.” He pursed his lips. “Look, Soph, I think I’m gonna go. I’ll give you some space.” He stepped forward, only to be stopped by a hand on his shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Will you stop acting like you’re alone in this?” Sophie pleaded. “Avoiding your friends, sneaking out- and I know you have. Linh told me. She’s worried about you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Linh means well, but she’s not me, okay? She doesn’t get to say if I’m alright.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, if you refuse to be honest with us, I’m going to assume you’re not. But none of us are, Tam. We’re not okay. We’re hurting. And I guess-” She paused and took a breath- “I wish you’d stop acting like the rest of us aren’t.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tam’s train of thought screeched to a halt as he processed that. “Wait- you think </span>
  <em>
    <span>that’s</span>
  </em>
  <span> what I think?” He nearly laughed out loud.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sophie blinked. “Well- I guess so?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He reached up, removing her hand from his shoulder. “I appreciate it, Sophie, but I’m probably the last person here you should be worried about.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I </span>
  <em>
    <span>know</span>
  </em>
  <span> you care, Tam-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Exactly! I care too much, that’s what!” His voice came out closer to a yell than he intended. “More than I have a right to. You guys weren’t involved in what happened. You did everything you could to </span>
  <em>
    <span>keep</span>
  </em>
  <span> it from happening. And what did I do?”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I betrayed them. I killed him. I broke her.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Why should there be anything but hatred in Sophie’s eyes?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And yet, when he met them, there was a strange sort of apology in them. “You warned me over and over,” Sophie told him. “You warned </span>
  <em>
    <span>him</span>
  </em>
  <span> in London. You risked everything again and again, just to keep him safe. You didn’t kill Keefe. Gisela did, with her oh-so-important </span>
  <em>
    <span>legacy</span>
  </em>
  <span>. And you? You did everything in your power to stop her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He </span>
  <em>
    <span>begged</span>
  </em>
  <span> me not to go.” Tam gritted his teeth. “At the hive. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>begged.</span>
  </em>
  <span> And after all the flak I gave him for leaving in the first place, I went anyway.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop acting like you wanted to go. Gisela </span>
  <em>
    <span>kidnapped</span>
  </em>
  <span> you,” she emphasized. “She blackmailed you and forced you to do what they wanted. You aren’t responsible.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sighed, pushing his bangs out of his face. “Everyone keeps telling me that. Maybe one of these days I’ll believe it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sophie chewed her lip, staring at the ground just before the roots of Keefe’s wanderling punched through the ground. As if by not looking at it, she could forget it existed.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Yeah, right.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Actually, I… I think I know how you feel,” she said, her eyes darting away from the ground and toward his face. “You want to be forgiven first. By someone who holds you accountable.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not want. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Need</span>
  </em>
  <span>. But it turns out everyone here is just too damn nice for that. Maybe you should have left me at Exilium.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t mean that.”</span>
</p><p><span>“Fine. I don’t. But it doesn’t change anything.</span> <span>No one blames me. No one forgives me. Which leaves me stuck. I’m trapped here, Sophie. Halfway between condemnation and absolution. And it’s killing me.”</span></p><p>
  <span>Sophie’s brow creased.“The guilt. It can’t break your mind because no one’s reinforced it, but it can’t let go either.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tam shrugged. “Guess that’s what happens when you make friends. There’s no one left to hate you but yourself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She flinched at his words, and he almost regretted them. Almost. “Tam, I-” She broke off. “Wait. What if that’s it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What if it’s what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re the only one here who ever blamed you. And because of that, you’re the only one who can forgive yourself. I think that’s how you can heal.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re one to talk.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just keep it in mind, okay? For me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He paused. Then, quietly, gave an “okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sophie nodded. “Good.” She paused. “Tam…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There’s…” she blew out a breath. “Nothing. It’s nothing. I should go.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She turned, took a step away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Tam almost let her go. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Almost.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>But he would have regretted it later. He knew it. Eventually the earth would turn again, and the moon would be forced to face it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sophie. There’s something you should know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She paused. Turned around.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He loved you. You never saw it, but he loved you. You meant the world to him. You </span>
  <em>
    <span>were</span>
  </em>
  <span> his world.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>And I took that away.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Sophie stared at him, then the Wanderling behind him. She shook her head. ‘If that’s the case,” she murmured, “I wasn’t the only one.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With that, she made her way into the darkness.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a long time before Tam followed.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
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